My new normal..

Im back to work.  While it is nice to have something to keep me busy with, its still hard.  I see moms everyday.  I wander into the baby section of my store and look at all the newborn clothing, thinking how much I want to be buying the items.
We are ready to try again.  I don't like the fear I have inside me, which makes me hesitate, and I don't want pregnancy to become an obsession.  Im torn.
I still haven't had enough determination or bravery to share the baby's story.  That will come. That is something I am sure of. We have had ups and downs, and good days and bad days.  My son is starting to ask more questions again-I suppose as he crudely learned about death, as he understands more, his questions evolve.  I love answering him-he truly keeps his brothers memory alive with me.  He does not live in fear of death-six year olds are lucky.

Procrastination at it's finest!

I love having time alone. Summer is over and the kids have returned to their routine today-it's a welcome step for them to have to wake for school-this means they have a getaway from the household eggshells.  Tomorrow marks 3 months without Brody.
I've longed for days where there would be no interruption in sharing Brody's story. That's for tomorrow.  This morning however, was a bit of a rough one.  Friends of ours lost their grown son on the weekend-seeing the mans face crumpled and wet from tears was very hard on me. He looked like a shell of a man-and I couldn't do anything for him.  I got very emotional just looking through the window at him.

Why would anyone want to read such sadness?

I feel as though its crazy to write about this loss, but know that it helps putting thoughts to paper.  He was my third child.  I know, im lucky to have two gorgeous kids already.  He was to be my last.  He is the one I yearn for daily, the one I wish I knew better.  Its been two months.  I really dont know how Ive managed.